You know the whole blood thing? Vampires, sucking blood, all that? It’s not true at all. I don’t need to drink blood to survive. I’ll tell you what it does do though. It keeps you from feeling absolutely drained of energy. There’s something about the components of hemoglobin that stimulate the endorphins in the vampire body. I don’t know all the facts because only one other vampire was kind enough to stop laughing long enough to tell me. I haven’t had any blood for about 29 years because it’s too much work and I don’t care to live my life to the fullest anyhow. Plus, I never had the nerve to kill anyone. I used to bite girls in school and taste their blood before they beat me up or one of the monitors pulled me away, but that’s about it. Aside that, I tried to drink the blood out of a package of steak from the grocery store, but it didn’t really help. Since the effects were so minimal, I figured it would take immense effort to maintain such a life style. Even if I did have the nerve to do it, the only thing I fear more than an eternity in the condition I’m in is suffering an eternity in jail while in the condition I’m in. Where do you even send someone that’s my age but looks like a 13 year old?
The sun does nothing to me. My eyes hurt in the sunlight but I think everyone experiences this. I think people came up with this notion because it’s easier to kill people at night so no vampires bothered coming around in the daylight. If anything, the worst part about being in sunlight is knowing that the fortunate mortals of society can feast their eyes upon my jiggling fat or volcanic complexion. I tend to think everyone’s staring at me, despite my resounding awareness that there is not a single thing worth making note of in this cursed body. My delusions are probably a result of the fact that in 34 years not a single neighbor has ever seemed to notice that I never grew past adolescence.
Actually, the corner store cashier has been there as long as I can remember. She never even asks about my condition and I see her at least once a week. I know I don’t blend in, or somehow cloak myself with super powers. If I did, the onslaught of ridicule from the astute local ruffians would have relented at least on the odd occasion. Thus far this has not been the case.
The sun isn’t the only thing I’m immune to in the array of anti-vampire lore. Garlic is not only ineffective, but I find it delicious. Obviously not raw, but when prepared in pastas or garlic toast, it is a tasty treat that can actually make me forget about my constant dream of death for a few seconds. Crosses don’t do anything to me either. Pretty much nothing in the religious realms stirs up discomfort or hinders my ability to persist in this depressing waste of life. I’m sure there are other things common to vampire myth, but I don’t care much to research it anymore, seeing as the most common promises of demise failed so badly. Some time into my efforts, I figured out that pretty much every detail about vampire life is a complete lie, except for the immortality thing. My only hope is that even that was a hoax. My greatest disappointment in life happens every day when I wake up and realize I didn’t magically die in my sleep.